There Is A Preoccupation With Sex That Can Be Both Dangerous & Destructive

Category: MNI View Created on Monday, 09 April 2012 07:55

Is he messing around when he's messing around with you? This is the question we should ask ourselves whenever we decide to give up the goodies while dating. The answer to this question is always “yes.” Dating doesn’t equal commitment. Hence, sex while dating is simply messing around. Additionally, when a person is messing around, chances are they are messing around with more than one person. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be messing around. They would be in a monogamous, committed relationship.

Relationships need time to grow. The ideal progression should be friendship, dating, marriage, and then tons of hot sex. In today’s world, it’s sex, dating, sex, sex, more sex and then maybe, if we’re lucky, eventually, we’ll get married, after we’ve shacked up for a few years. You know, just to make sure we’re compatible. Whatever.

It’s a shame. As a society, we’ve grown to put more emphasis on sex and intimacy. The emphasis should be placed on getting to know others and connecting on a level beyond the physical. The entire purpose of dating is to get to know a person beyond friendship. It’s more intimate, but shouldn’t involve any penis-vagina contact.

On one episode of The Game, Melanie took inventory of all the men Tasha Mack slept with. The figure was an astounding 83 men! Tasha felt a bit ho-ish, but Melanie consoled her by stating, “You’re not a ho. You’re in ho vicinity, definitely on ho block.” Really?

I think I speak for everyone when I say, “83 is a lot of partners for anyone.” I’m sure this number easily runs into the hundreds for some men. If we’re sleeping with every man or most of the men we date, before we get to the altar, what will be our number when we get there? How many partners would it take to place you on ho block? Hopefully, the number is a lot less than 83 because that is a scary number.

Sex while dating changes the relationship too soon, and brings nothing but insecurities, assumptions, and problems. Dating should be a period of fun and excitement. We all know of the mighty power of sex, and here are the reasons why it compromises everything, including the dating experience.

1. It gives us a false perception of the current state of affairs.

In the words of my best friend, “Just because you screw doesn’t mean you’re a couple.” Once you’ve rolled and tumbled, it’s no longer innocent and it’s no longer new. There is nothing left to work towards. It’s just a matter of time before the connection falls apart. Making a connection more than it actually is, leads to a meltdown. Sex makes a connection appear to be more than it is. In the mind of some women, sex and love are synonymous. In the real world, they’re not. Connecting on a deeper level before getting intimate is a much better approach. Don’t compromise what could be a great relationship or at least a great friendship, by submitting prematurely.

2. It increases our expectations.

It leads us to believe that something great will happen, like marriage. In many cases, sex too soon simply leads to more sex, then mediocre sex, then unfulfilling sex. Sex fuels attachment and this might be the reason why so many folks are stuck in lousy situations, dealing with the same old mediocre sex. Awesome sex is one of the best things on earth. If you’re having sex and it is not awesome, you need to stop having sex and figure out why. It makes no sense if you’re present and not actively participating. To the single folks, chances are, you’re having sex with the wrong person. You’re a victim of bad sex. Other than Anita Baker, no one wants the same old love 365 days of the year. That’s just pathetic.

3. It makes us more accepting of bad behaviour and poor communication.

How? Well, a woman who thinks she has to have sex is a woman who doesn’t think very highly of herself. She either thinks she has to please her interest by putting out, or thinks she has to put out to make a man more interested. For men, sex and love are mutually exclusive. A man will take as much as a woman will put out, but she will never get the respect and proper treatment she deserves. Most men will string her along until she gets fed up and leaves. This actually reinforces dysfunctional attitudes, behaviour and communication in matters of relationships.

4. It causes us to bond with people we have no business bonding with.

In other words, it causes us to settle, because sex clouds our judgment. Sometimes people are just downright persistent and we eventually give in. Suddenly, all that was unattractive becomes attractive, and all the intolerable character flaws become tolerable. However, because that person has us talking in tongues, we look past the red flags. I don’t know what it is about a fully functional penis/vagina, but sex will do that to us.

It’s a great feeling when we can enjoy someone without the pressure of sex. Sex is worth waiting for. Men should view it as such, and women should view themselves as an entity worthy of the wait. We need to learn how to value relationship over instant gratification. When we have sex, we’re actually saying to that man, “I’m giving you permission to enter the most sacred place on earth, my body.” That should be enough reason to stay away from ho block. We shouldn’t allow every man to undress us, and worship in our temple. We should wait to give and receive our happy ending. 

Photo Credit To Top Tenz
Editor-in-Chief's Note: Ebonie Jones is a freelance contributor with MNI Alive